Tweak # 1. On the Bus Again (Disassociation)

Was on the bus today. On my smart phone, smarting away when this woman, scratch that, girl, gets on the bus with a child in a stroller. She wheels the stroller in, sits on the right side of the bus in the seat facing the rest of the passengers, with her child, a two or so year old, pre-verbal, sitting not three feet away directly facing me. No biggie, as I love children, crying ones an' all. Chrono children that is. The larger variety are a different story. Simultaneously, as the girl sits, she whips out her cell phone and starts talking to someone, and her child starts to communicate displeasure. The mother keeps on talking on her phone, and as the child gets louder, the mother finally reaches over the stroller and dangles a small magazine somewhere in the child's head area. As far as the mother is concerned, it could be up the child's ass for all her intent. After some time, the child finally sees the book, and tries to take it but drops it almost immediately. The child tries to retrieve the mag,  but the book is just out of reach of her little fingers. The child starts communicating it's displeasure once more as it reaches and reaches for the magasine, signalling (at least in my eyes) that it can't get the book. The mother keeps on talking on her phone, in effect ignoring her child. This is Complication/trigger # 1. I am considering getting the book for the child, aware of the fact that I am not the kid's babysitter and it's not really my job, don't want to presume, when the mother finishes her phone conversation and then starts to dial again, further ignoring her child's call for assistance. "Could you pay attention to your child" I say, indicating the book and the child's pleas. Complication/Trigger # 2. The mother takes umbrage at this, and starts to hassle me, and I defend my self. I feel attacked, and retaliate in kind, rather than just shut up and leave it alone. I am, at this stage of my recovery, incapable of shutting up and leaving it alone. I am fully engaged. Trigger # 3. At this point, a woman behind me starts berating me, for what I really don't know, as I wasn't hurting anyone, only, in fact, sticking up for the child. Complication/trigger #3. I retaliate, on the offence again, telling her to mind her own business, that I am not doing anything wrong etc, and we all go thru a hissy fit, with no one hurt, but emotions higher than desired. I am not over angry though, only defending myself against a careless, uncommunicative mother and an intruding third party entry. I feel, and am attacked on all sides. Literally. With more to come.

Now, I do not intend to excuse myself here, nor do I intend to apologize. I did nothing wrong, in that I was not hurting anyone, and meant no harm. On the other hand, I was not able to prevent this, as I really do not, and did not see anything 'wrong' in what I did. Ill advised yes. Reactive yes. I was on the kid's side, although I have to admit, I was also telling the mother how to deal with her child. I did have thought that what was going on here, directly in front of me, the effect being that the child was basically yelling at me, was a direct result of this mother's negligence. And negligence it was, in no uncertain terms. The kid was trapped in its stroller, locked in, and needed its mother's assistance.

I would have put this on the Inner Bitch page, but the interesting thing about this to me is that I am not bitching about it. It is not eating at me, and I am resolved in this, in that it is not grist for the internal rationalization mill, and I really do not know what else I could have done, other than to pick up the book for the child, and thus get myself involved in a game of 'how many times can I get the stupid adult to pick up the magazine' game, the mother's job, or move away from the situation, which I just didn't think of, and which, upon reflection, would be the wisest thing to do, regardless of the fact that this mother doesn't deserve children, and that I would have felt like I was deserting a child in a reasonable time of need. No, the reason I put this here is to elicit advice or opinion on how to avoid this, for I truly do not see how to change my actions in this regard, considering that I don't think I actually did anything wrong. I do have a hair trigger though, and if I am attacked, am easily on the defensive, 'offence being the best defence.' Nor do I think I am "right" in this regard. I just don't know how "I" could have done anything different, being who I am.

Nor do I feel I have contradicted the theme of Progress Report # 2. If anything, I got caught in rapids I did not see, and am out of them now, back in the middle of the river, just wondering how to spot or avoid those rapids in the future. My best bet at this time is to go to the very back of the bus, sit in the corner seat with ear buds and blinders on. Ha Ha.


Complication # 3. Coda to this little fracas was that this young, white, black hat, black jacket, dark pants shithead, under the guise of some idea of modern day 'chivalry,' comes running up behind me just after I got off the bus yelling 'hassle my girlfriend you fucking transvestite" and hit me from behind in the back of the hed before running away. No biggie, just surprising, and I reported the assault for the record. He hit my skull with his knuckles, so he probably hurt himself more than he hurt me. Moron. I can only infer that he was on the bus, although I suppose his 'girlfriend' could have phoned him. And, while I am at it, I did pretty good in this. I fell to the ground to avoid being hit, and so only got hit on the back of my skull, on bone, so no biggie there, and I was up and ready to defend myself immediately, and phoning the police as soon as I saw he was running away. I have no doubt that had things gone a different way, I would have started to defend myself. I am no longer afraid.

ps - trying to keep mindfulness in mind here. If anything, that is my salvation in these on the bus and other similar regards. The question is, how to keep mindfulness 'on' all the time. Seems no matter what I do, I find myself in the state of mindlessness no matter what I do. I just end up there somehow, going along without that inner state of awareness, until woken up by something like this. I guess the answer really here is in this somehow. Is this a form of disassociation I wonder? A mild case perhaps, or not even mild perhaps, just is. Considering my history, why not? I am triggered, in this case, by the woman not paying attention to her child. Is that me? and I am identifying with this kid? Hmmm. And the disassociation is between me and the kid inside of me that is signaling what happened way back when? And if this is the case, then I just participated in a scenario from my past in the present, and was there to witness the event. I zero in on, and identify with, the kid as it is ignored by it's caregivers. This is Alice Miller land, where one is acting out, in all sorts of ways and variations, the scenarios, repressed and unresolved, from one's past onto the situations one encounters in one's later years. Double wow.

p.p.s. Now that I have let it rest overnight, I think I do indeed need to do a regimen of not expressing myself on the bus. I am going to put a muzzle on me for the next three months, and not talk at all on the bus, regardless, unless I am with someone I am talking to. That's all I can do. This is my path to mindfulness. The bus is a crucible for me, where things just happen all the time, and I don't know what else to do.

• Actually, given my later thought regarding disassociation, I think I need to let this ride. This looks like very promising shit. I really think I am on to something here. This goes to the very core of who I am, and not on an academic level, but a visceral level, where I can do something about it. The regimen would be good to build mindfulness, except that the bus is where I get a lot done. Jeez.  

p.p.p.s. It also occurs to me this morning, as I edit and clean this piece up, that I did accomplish one thing. The girl with the child did end up paying attention to her kid after this, turning her child to face her, and talking to her. That she was telling the child that I was bad is immaterial. Yea, me and the kid won, even if it was a messy victory. Ha! Wow, isn't that interesting.