The Ride of A Lifetime.

or, "The River of Life"

Aug 2011 - the rest of my life.
(latest edit - Dec 26th)

This is about how I found myself, metaphorically, in the relative calm of the middle of a large river after having emerged from what feels like a huge set of rapids lasting about 59 years. The metaphor gets a tad muddled when I consider that it is entirely possible that I wasn't really in rapids at all, but was just so conditioned to dealing with rapids from a very early age that I just kept on imagining and reacting to rapids where indeed there really were none. I remember the first time I got an inkling of this when I found myself in a situation that by all rights should have had me as the injured party, but somehow during the situation, found myself cast as the problem. Be that as it may, the point is that for the first time in my life, I am experiencing a calm with in myself that I can not remember ever experiencing, and that calm is translating into a whole different set of circumstances that I could never have imagined during the time when I felt myself to be rapid bound.

It all came to a hed in August of 2011, when I was visiting my father and steiffmutter, ostensibly to visit with my father and his therapist. During this visit, which I later termed our 'ten day (therapy) intensive,' subsequent to a rather meaningful catharsis, I became aware that I had choices regarding how to deal with our respective situations. I felt that if I closed my eyes, once again, metaphorically, and carefully proceeded, as though in the dark, 'feeling' my way as it were, I would wind up making better choices than if my eyes were open and the lights on. And I realized that I didn't need to concern myself with the family anymore. My life was now going somewhere else, and I could move on, leaving the whole mess more or less behind. Instead of getting hung up on the old family dynamics, which of course, had been a major part of my life at one point, I could just move on, as my family members and their dysfunctions really didn't concern me at all anymore, I was out of that emotional morass for once and for all, should I decide that was what I wanted. That was the first glimpse of the river for me. An epiphany I guess.

And move on I did, with me still metaphorically dipping in and out of the rapids. But I was really starting to get the picture that these rapids were indeed more self induced than real, or at least that when I did confront a real life rapid, I was somehow making more of it than was necessary. Then one day, at a holiday celebration, I experienced another rapid. Was it real, or was it me? Whatever, I got caught in it once again, reacting emotionally to the situation, and finding myself once more in troubled waters. Only this time, it wasn't long, a day at most, before I had calmed down and realized that I was over it somehow. "That it was sort of similar to the family thing, and I could get hung up on it, or just leave it behind. And that's when it hit me. Just let it all go. I told a friend that day that it was time for me to let go of the reins. That afternoon I pulled a tarot card. Oh yea, I had started up with tarot in September, after I returned from the ten day intensive with the pater and steiffmutter. Just as a point of interest really, but also because I felt that I had somehow slipped into the 'ether' of cosmic consideration, and needed something on that level to work with. Something to cogitate upon. On the one hand, for me, tarot is full of symbology that does relate to our human condition, and I see no  harm in meditating on the symbols I find there. Nothing really esoteric about it. However, there is the idea, a la  my poem, The Tree, that we are indeed all stardust, and not just stardust, but whatever stardust is made of. Energy? Consciousness? Something fundamental of the universe(s)? Are we are all indeed this stardust, and hence the energy that the stardust is comprised of, and that energy is somehow akin to, if not indeed, consciousnesses, and that all is all. Could it actually be that we are the emerging consciousness of the universe? That we, along with all the animals and other sentient beings in the world at least, are gawd, literally,and in the early developmental stages of a universal being? And the tarot, not just a bunch of cardboard cutouts with pretty pictures on them, but also part of the stardust/energy/consciousness matrix, and hence, relevant on some sort of  touchy feely, grope around in the dark kind of way. Who knows? I pulled a card.

It couldn't have been more synchronistic, more twighlight zone, more cosmic. A nod from the universe. I pulled the 'Hanged Man.' If this was coincidence, well, then how do we rate coincidences? Is there a scale? Or are all coincidences of the same magnitude, and hence, irrelevant? Many think so. From a subjective point of view however, it was kinda spooky. The Hanged Man is the card of letting go, 'of the reins,' as it were, and I couldn't have pulled a more on point card at that moment. A card of... faith basically. Not my strong suite, me usually of empirical bent, but considering my decision to 'let go of the reins,' now a major consideration. The point was that if I was in any doubt regarding my realization and decision to 'let go of the reins,' I was no longer in any such doubt. My course was clear, if I could just manage to shut my eyes and open my mind.

The next wrinkle in this little journey I seem to have begun was shortly thereafter when I realized that I felt this inner peace thing that I had not ever remembered experiencing before. (The closest I ever came to this was when I was stoned on coke and had reached that point in my pseudo transition from man to woman as to feel like I was... home somehow). The river metaphor applies here. This was when I realized that I felt  like I had just cleared this long series or rapids and had found myself  the middle of a very large, smoothly flowing river, and that all, including, and especially myself, was very calm. This was different than what I was used to. Very nice,together, collected, and I realized that I would like this to be my default position. This was a home base to hang on to. From this vantage I felt as if I could go anywhere I wanted, anytime, at a moment's notice, and with some experience, return to at any given moment, no matter the upset, the rapids real or imagined. I could then rest up, get my bearings, and, at my choosing, if  necessary, hed into whatever was in front of me, ready, equipped and able to face any situation.

And then last night I was at a neighbourhood pub with a friend. And I didn`t take my guitar, even though I knew it was an open mic night. Didn't know what I was going to do. Put my name on the list? I didn't feel like it really, but as was my usual bent, I was almost compelled to do so. The whole list thing that is. And every once in a while I would look in the host's direction to see if he was available to tell him i'd like to play maybe, but he was always busy. A sign? Then, he was sort of free, just casually talking to someone, so I went over, to say what the hell maybe. And he was talking, but still looking outwards, and I stood there waiting for him to either finish his casual conversation or take a moment to acknowledge me. And without saying anything, he turned away from me and into the person he was talking to. Not necessarily away from me so much, not in a pointed way, just more or less focused on the conversation at hand. However, even the person listening to the host had acknowledged my presence. But my target didn't even seem to notice I was there. Not that I felt it was anything personal. It was just as though a door had been closed, and so, I just walked away without a word. I wondered later if he would get out of that conversation and come over to me or something, but he didn't, and I left it there. The universe was not saying move ahead  with this, and for once, I was listening to the universe. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

And this is what I mean about letting go of control and just letting myself go where the river is taking me. I'm now here for the ride. What else is there really? And I want to see if I just let go of all the stuff I think is important, and just watch what is happening without feeling that I have to accomplish this or do that, that I can just more or less let happen what is going to happen. If nothing else, it is intriguing. And it really can't be any worse than what has already happened. Does this mean I quit everything in my life that was hooked up prior to all of this river metaphor stuff? Maybe. Not really sure yet. Seems that some of the stuff is solid, like SRS, like Qmunity, maybe even el Barrio where I now play lead guitar and do some solo stuff. Not really sure yet. What I do know is that I am now watching as closely as I can, and doing my best to not let the hed cheeze get in the way. And I'm clearing that up as fast as I can. Time to stop thrashing about and see what's going on behind door 3.