Transference

"Transference is a phenomenon in psychoanalysis characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood."[1] Another definition is "the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object."[2]Still another definition is "a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood, and the substitution of another person ... for the original object of the repressed impulses."[3]" Wikipedia

There is also the idea out there that there is no way out of this, that once imprinted with these early templates, we are doomed to rehash, over and over again, iterations on these templates, regardless of outcome. And in some cases, the more 'successful' scenarios perhaps, this may be, at least on the surface, and for those who don't mind living there, a good thing, providing everything goes according to script. How idyllic for those in this regard. Something along the lines of "ignorance is bliss." For those not so fortunate to have such 'positive' upbringings, or to be blessed with more complex and unintelligible pasts, this may not be such a good thing. And for these latter, under the rubric of "the silver lining thing" there may be some consolation in realizing that because one may be forced to examine one's psychological entrails due to the negative outcomes one is experiencing as a result of one's developmental years, one may be able to actually realize one's own potential, and come to know one's own true self, instead of living a life of superficial and deceptive ease under the aegis of someone else's delusions.

I am of two minds in this, and not necessarily ambivalent. I believe this imprinting thing to be true. For better and for worse. But I also think that it is possible to separate from these pasts, to differentiate from them, and to begin to work in other ways, to live one's life in other ways, as tricky, sticky and otherwise that this may be. And it is to this end that Jung's Individuation is focused. And I believe that at this time in my life and my stage of psychological analysis, that I am actually in touch with, in a visceral and emotionally tangible way, the birth to six year old emotions and programs and such that were evoked in me when I was of that age. I am having my psychological cake and eating it too. I am presently, differentiating from these past emotions and motivations and am learning to distinguish these past chimera from my present day scenarios. In my case, at the bottom of it all (circumcision a wild card not yet fully appreciated) is an intense longing for my mother, from whom I was harshly and indelicately separated when I was five or so years old. And it is very probable that I was emotionally detached from her, and most definitely from my father, beginning at birth, my father a psychologically crippled man, and my mother preoccupied with other things, and not predisposed to love a son, sexually abused as she purportedly was. And I believe that in the last few months I have been witness to some of the more specific emotions extant to my developmental years with my mother in particular.  At this very time, I am being hyper vigilante as to just what I am doing in any given relationship. I recently 'broke up' with a woman I have been 'seeing.' The relationship was supposed to be platonic, 'girlfriends,' and consciously, that was what I was looking for. But not so subconsciously, I was developing a overwhelming need to be with her, to be held and cuddled by her, asexually, regardless of the adult circumstance of our relationship. I had to sever the relationship, for there was no leaving it as it was. For as this feeling developed in me, the scenarios were starting to become unmanageable as I became more and more needy, and less able to represent myself, as the other person failed to act in the predetermined ways that my projections required. I could not stop them and was developing an emotional attachment far beyond our three month relationship. I believe I was acting out part of my past with my mother, and this person had been duped into playing the part. Not her fault, no matter how much she may or may not have resembled my mother, physically or otherwise.

This has also played out in my having intense feelings of loneliness of late.I attribute this to my getting in touch with this past me that was so emotionally deprived as a child. I am now feeling the feelings that I had shut myself off from so long ago. For years, disassociated as I was from my hurt feelings, I never felt lonely, and often wondered about people who expressed that condition. I now know this feeling anew, and it is a little overwhelming as I take on not only my adult feelings in this regard, but the feelings that I was having when I was a child.

Another relevance here is that I think I may have been attracted to this person for specific physical reasons, although one must be careful here. Physical resemblance can, or not, depending on what one is triggering on, be relevant. In this  case, breasts were involved, and I don't mean sexually. Breast have played a large role in my psychological makeup, and I believe this (or 'them' as them as the case may be) was the trigger to my one sided emotional dependency. Does this mean that co-dependency is actually a two way transference thing?

Is this really happening, or am I delusional and over analyzing things? I know some people will think the latter. I do know that I have recently, due to my psychological perambulations, been able to change a lot of outcomes that once would have ensnared me and yet now seem so predictable, and I do believe, at this late stage of the game, that my  life is changing, appreciably, for the better. Is it because of all this psycho stuff I am engaged in, or just because I am older, and mellowing.This last is a  laff actually. I may be mellowing in some ways, but something is there that has always been there, and it is stronger now, more powerful now, and somehow, as it and I become one, it is making my life better. I don't really feel like I am slowing down at all, but rather, picking up momentum.

And am I singular in this, with this intense longing to be loved? Of course not. On the other hand, I think I am starting to get a handle on just who it is I am relating to at any given time, and it is my hope that I will be able to develop a relationship with a real person, and not some chimera from my past, layered over and on unsuspecting innocents who get caught in my childhood history.

There is a certain type of relationship I have had several times over, and with it comes a certain 'nimbus' effect. I am not sure what this is. How it manifests is that I enter into an intense relationship with someone that predictably is going to last a few months, and then will fade out. It used to be sexually, but now that I have taken that out of the equation, I see that this has happened at least two times in the last year and a half. These relationships are such that it seems like we have known each other forever, and everything is very 'easy.' The honeymoon period. I just didn't know it might happen without sex. This seems to be a problem, for none of these relationships has come to anything other than sorrow, or at the very least, complete separation. Not a happy conclusion, at least, on the surface. I think these may be manifestations of transference.