In the Beginning.
1951- 1960 ish - outgoing, talented and exuberant kid, real time emotions. Context: chaos, misery, strife, physical, emotional and intellectual abuse, abandonment. My reality.
Disassociation
1960 - April 1989 - desperate, homesick, disassociate, lose my mojo, a hubot:-victim now of circumstance and ill-informed choices; second hand and pseudo emotion, kleptomania, dressing/identification, displaced anger. Become a caricature of my choices, drifting, isolated, internally confused and externally defensive.
Re-association (with the place where the feelings went)
1989 - 2010 - Serendipity, awakening, deconstruction, differentiation, 9/5; despair externalized i.e. bipolar, heart attack, rejection, suicide, ego-death, seek outside help, in pieces, reconstruct, anger management, last piece of the puzzle, nanci/frission/fear, individuation.
Self Actualization
2010 - Now and beyond - mojo back, catharsis, real time emotions, exuberant, develop talents, take on life with focus.
From out of the ashes of my parent's chaotic, discordant and ill-conceived marriage, I, Richard (Nelson Brown), become a fragmented, disassociated personality, a broken toy doll neglected and cast aside by squabbling children, 'splitting off' internally and quite unconsciously at the age of nine. Lacking any empathy modelling, I soon exhibited many psychopathic tendencies, i.e. pathological lying, kleptomania, denial, glibness, irresponsibility, myopia, shallow aspect, a bit player in my own life.
At the time of my disassociation, shutting down to avoid the extreme pain I was feeling, concurrently cutting off all my feelings, (other than anger and the unchecked, displaced, unconsciously motivated and extreme exhibition of such), and totally dependent upon my emotionally and otherwise absent father for some kind of 'human' and 'meaningful' connection, I was interminably and narcissistically bound to my him for years. He was the mirror thru which I saw the world, and what a warped view that was. I was incapable of change, real, internal, character developing change that is, a fly caught in the reflection of my father's petrified amber existence, developing my ill conceived defence mechanisms into a life of isolation, 'criminal' activities and endless iterations of a nomadic army brat life, with broken relationships and many relocations.
Serendipity struck in 1989, and thru the miracle of cocaine and the 5th step of the 12 steps of A.A. and it's ilk, I, now Nelson, the reluctant 'wrangler' of an an ersatz collection of schizophrenic chimeras, became reconnected to my repressed feelings, meeting for the first time the 'others;' the Kleptomanic, Ricki the tranny, Dick the Biker, Richard, the shattered, hurt one, all part of me, but somehow not part of me. Denizens of denial. It was an incredible period, and I experienced thoughts and feelings that I hadn't felt in years, the volume of which threatened to overwhelm me, in both quality and quantity. From this point on and for the next 20 years or so, I engaged in all manner of therapeutic ventures, one on one, group, workshops etc, as I strove to put right what I had found that was wrong, one step forward, two steps back and on and on, ad nauseum.
Interlude
There came a time, my suicide period, when I had had enough. Stuck on an oscillating roller coaster of bipolarity, my body breaking down, I tried several times to kill myself, culminating in a final effort which was thwarted, serendipity again, by two mexican desparados. Not able to kill myself, not willing to live with myself, I turned myself in to the 'authorities,' and asked for help. This culminated in anger management, and finally, RLE, which turned out, unexpected, to be the last piece of the individuation process I was, to a certain degree unconsciously, undergoing. Combining the frisson of my gender libido with the fear of exposure,the process of individuation completed itself, and I actualized. I had freed up the necessary parts of my psyche, and I 'jelled' I guess,or emulsified, like hollandaise sauce. I became 'whole,' the flower bloomed, I no longer the seedling. No longer separated from large chunks of my psyche, no longer split off and disassociated, I became capable, for the first time in 50 years, of organic, psychological, and other change, not to mention an active participant and protagonist in my own life. It seems I have come full circle: from the emotionally crippled hubot my chaotic childhood and extreme 'family' life had engendered, into whom I was in the first place. Me.**now nanci blu, flower on the Tree of Life. And life is great.
+ This is a work in progress. I will be editing/shaping it further as I go. I'm starting to get into it. As it happens, so will I.
*Anyone reading this might be tempted to say, yea, so what. We all go thru shit, childhood and otherwise. My point here is not that I went thru shit, but that I chose subsequently to wade thru that shit, to figure out how that shit had shaped me and my perspective, and concurrently, to clean out those reeking unstable stalls, a Herculean task to be sure, and not for the feint of heart. And as a result of that work, I am now as you see me. From a shattered, psychopathic, isolated and disaffected pimple on the ass of progress, I have been transformed into a conscientious, empathetic and productive member of society. It took me twenty odd years, but I can honestly say, it was worth it.
** That I am choosing to live the rest of my life as a 'female' may seem somewhat extreme or... counter intuitive to some, and is somewhat of a mystery to me. However, this is how I find myself, and happily so, and given the extreme satisfaction and well-being that I feel as a result of what I am becoming, and seeing that my sex/gender reorientation seems to be somehow intrinsically wrapped up in the actualization of my once again found self, I feel I must see this thru. I feel great, seem to have become un-bipolarized (two more time points to go), and getting better all the time. I should stop?
Anyway, that's me, nanci blu, in a nutshell. Now, let's get busy.
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